It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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