he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
