I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
