I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
