hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
