I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
