my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
