Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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