i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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