Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
