Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
