i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
