you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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