I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
