I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
