dude i'm inner monologue high
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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