Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
