I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
