I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Ladies don't puke and tell
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
