he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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