i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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