I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize