My room smells like vodka and shame
They should really pass out barf bags in church
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize