someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
ttyl tear gas
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
