the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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