someone owes me an orgasm
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize