Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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