Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
