I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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