genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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