Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
