I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
