I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Bang-toberfest begins!!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
