i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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