I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Rumble strips road head = magical
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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