I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
