I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
