god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
