Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
