the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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