before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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