just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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