The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
now i know why i became what i already was.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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