Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
im on a boat
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