we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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