Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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