Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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