Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
