I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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