I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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