Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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