ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
