Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
