I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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