I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
