Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
