Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
