I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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