I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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