you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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