I swear god or herbie drove my car home
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
