fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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